impulstanz – settlement… (perhaps day 3)

Today I ate dates and fresh peaches for lunch. And a banana. And had dinner at Der Wiener Deewan, mmm Pakistani curries and eat what you want pay what you will.

But first, I slept in.

Oh too tired and sore for yoga. I had to take one stair at a time going up and down for breakfast (now with meusli and coffee so I feel content). And then I got distracted with internet. Oops. Arriving barely with enough time to warm up. Lying on the floor not so sore. And so some yoga to start. I was not the only person thinking, ‘oh lucky me for not doing yoga earlier, otherwise I’d be saying, ok I need to lie down here”. And then some more bootcamp.

I do like simple repetitive things.

So we learn two phrases, dance! Not really, more like martial arts. I was rather pissy last night because walking around this part of town I noticed many single older men in cars leering, and many men sitting in groups on the pavement making asshole remarks. So I, being stupid gave it back at them. Then a man followed me several blocks all the way to my door and was leering almost groping me and I went quite mental on him. I think if I’m not scared, I must be quite frightening in this situation. He ran away with me shouting at him chasing after.

Doing these phrases then, I got to feel a bit angry and fuck-off. And then tired and heavy. Nice to move over and over in simple ways.

Later, at the end we were in two lines and one person would walk down while everyone else shouted and screamed abuse at them, fucking-shit-piece-of-fucking-ass-cunt-wanker-fuck-you-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck… We had sore throats. I was nervous to do this. I look at everyone in the group, and I wonder, ok who here has had this directed at them in their lives often? There are some who are strange and intriguing people but to see on the street maybe would be nondescript. I thought maybe Ivan would sometimes get this, shaved head, conspicuous… perhaps some others, but difficult to know if this is something they would experience in a way that constituted a direct, personal attack on themselves. Or to say, somehow recognise this as a part of their lives.

I thought it would upset me, walking through this. When I did, I didn’t hear or see them. What did upset me was having the person look into my eyes. I couldn’t continue abusing them, because unlike the asshole men yesterday, this person did nothing to diminish me, to force me down, to dehumanise, to erase me. They were just someone I have played with for three days, maybe talked a little with. I can’t play with this easily.

I am staying in a beautiful home. Oh I wish I was in love and came home to meine geliebte in a place like this. One wall is a bookshelf. It is deeply seductive. And comforting. I looked closely last night, thinking it would all be in German. I found Judith Butler there, and many others, dyke comics, and a pile of Love and Rockets comics, oh so… perfect.

I found Susan Sontag’s Regarding the Pain of Others.

A long task after lunch in several parts. First to monologue on a sentence or phrase from several on the floor. A stagelight on either side, confining us to a small field, a microphone to amplify our words, and breathing, and sounds of mouths and lungs. Many chairs close, an audience. Why I decided to leave my lover. How I spy on someone. Drunk at a meeting and about to vomit. How I cope with the phobia of small spaces. Others… To talk about these without mentioning the question. To answer.

Then. A good night on €3. At first long monologues again. Then quick, 10 seconds, maybe less, maybe 30, to try and tell something, quickly changing. How to be inventive.

With Gala and Daniel, and a couple of others, I have two or three little worlds we construct like this. The pirate ship, the vast castle, the university tenure. We would start a bit, say, “I’m going to steal a pirate ship for us…” and then over half an hour or so we make this story to amuse ourselves quite a bit.

I wonder how long before this ceases to be anonymous amongst the settlement?

Tomorrow is Daniel’s birthday. Happy birthday Daniel, I love you. 生日快乐!!! 我爱你