I would swim underwater until my breath was nearly exhausted and then float, a calm, prickly and weightless silence and for a moment, with frantic pull of exertion gone, I would perhaps sink a little and my flesh would relax, become limp, I could feel the pressure of blood on its way through arteries and the gentle encompassing squeeze of the water, it was a pleasure to be like this, holding as long as possible before the uprush to the surface and the world.

The last couple of weeks have been this in form, but there is no feeling and a void beneath … I thought had been sealed, or was a far distance away, or at least I wouldn’t knowingly place myself near.

Walking home on Saturday, I glimpsed this and … well of course I smiled and wished I’d seen it ablaze.

Just to say I miss you all and wish it wasn’t like this and I hope I can come back to you.